Avengers: Abridged
by The lovable writer
Summary: A Cut Down parody of the Summer Blockbuster riding high of the success of not having to go head to head with The Dark Knight Rises. For now. Please R R!
1. Chapter 1

_**The Avengers Abridged: Like the Avengers, only possibly LESS snarky than Whedon's version...**_

"Welcome back sir, this is big, the Teselector has began massive energy spikes of its own accord. The world may be in danger." Agent Coulson explained.

Nick Fury took in the concerning information, sampling it like a fine wine before spitting it out, remembering he liked the hard liquor of better news, and as a government official, he rarely got to drink liquor on the job. Except on Jewish Holidays.

"Than this might call... for the Avengers Initiative." Fury declared.

Fury stood for a few seconds staring dramatically at nothing in particular, than after a few awkward seconds began to walk away. Coulson hesitated before speaking without have been spoken to, after all this was a leader with an eye patch, a scar and a leather jacket. If you couldn't respect him, who could you respect. Eventually he decided the threat of his species extinction was slightly more important than the possible questioning of Fury's authority. Slightly.

"Sir, where are you going, we kind of still have that problem?"

"Oh what, are we, actually doing a full movie?" Fury asked, startled.

"Yeah."

"Not just a one scene cameo, this is the actual thing?"

"Yeah."

"Hell I am so not ready for a full movie."

o o o o o o

"Yeah, lets meddle with forces beyond are control, lets poke the big ominous glowing thing, limitless power, that'll work!" Erik Selvig muttered.

"Someone was going to poke it eventually, we might as well have been the first ones." Fury replied, entering the room. "Hawk-Eye, see anything?"

"Nope, I have looked very clearly with my amazing, well some might say, superhuman vision and can determine it must have been coming from the other side of the portal."

"That's great..."

"I did good than, an invaluable contribution proving my worth? And I looked cool sliding down that rope. I'm like Spiderman with ropes!"

"I suppose so."

"Just happy you picked me for the team, above such candidates like Wolverine, Spiderman, Daredevil and the rest."

"Yeah, I... I had a choice in all that."

The Teseract finally gave way at this point, opening up the portal within, unleashing a force from a hundred million miles away, to a land supposedly too weird for modern movie audiences to accept, where magic and science are friends with benefits and Loki prepared himself for vengeance and invasion.

"Yeah, I'll be taking that Cosmic Cube Fury, you're out of your league, I work for a Post-Credits Easter Egg force even more powerful than you are, not that you have those powers anymore, all given up to become an actual main character." Loki laughed.

"Damn it I didn't know this was the movie, it was a 10 movie contract deal, I thought I had more time!" Fury replied.

"Time is unfortunately out, for you and your entire species. Watch as they bend to my will when faced with the Ultimate Truth granted to me from the greatest powers in the Universe: That when the Dark Knight Rises, you will be unable to do anything, but disassemble."

The remaining survivors were suddenly forces to see the truth. Hawk-Eye saw the legal rights that prevented Spiderman, Daredevil and Wolverine from joining the team, himself the sloppy seconds. Eric saw how painfully outdated his science was on a planet that still thought people who put their trousers on one leg at a time were normal rather than an ethnic minority to be clensed from the gene pool. Generic guard saw nothing in particular but figured he might as well tag along. And between them all they saw a Dark Knight Rising, and crushing them.

As the base fell apart from the imploding worm-hole, Fury narrowly escaped death, but could not escape the fact that he was amusingly outgunned, no matter how much he covered his ears and yelled 'La la la I'm not listening were doing fine!'

"Sir, they've escaped. And they took Hawk-Eye." Maria Hill explained.

"Oh no, whatever will we do without a bow and arrow, oh no wait... I just discovered, we've had these things called guns, for like... 200 years now...!" Fury snapped. "That was harsh of me, I'll miss his ability to have two good eyes. I lost my best one."

"Sir, I really don't think your Left Eye is best."

"Maybe, but I don't like to speak ill of the dead."

There was a pause as Nick Fury remembered Lefty and all the good times. Gazing at the sun without sunglasses. Late night reading in poorly lit rooms. Watching near by explosions and shrapnel. He never saw the death coming. Fury finally decided to get back to the situation:

"Sir, should we inform the Organisation to become dark and gritty, it's the only way to overcome the Rising of the Knight." Maria Hill asked.

"Screw that, have you seen Nolan's Insomnia? We can't compete with that man's darkness. Get Coulson, we need to begin an amusing snark filled assembly of are colourful roster of characters, and we need it soon... the world is at stake."

_**To Be Continued... with even more colour and optimism...**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**The Avengers Abridged: It's gonna be really hard to cancel this Whedon success, but somehow they'll find a way...**_

_**Stark Tower...**_

Tony Stark settled down in Stark Tower, having taken a quite day, content only to appear in two animated adventures, three major Marvel comics and raise rumours about Iron Man 3. He was going to have to appear in a few more things he decided, money would be neccesary if he went ahead with his plans to create a life sized hologram of his own ego. These thoughts (and his hands slow decline towards his crotch) were temporarily halted by Peppers arrival.

"Hay Pepper, awesome to see you managed to make it to the movie, shame Rhodey couldn't." Tony said.

"He was worried he'd be recast. We don't have the best track record." Pepper explained.

"Yeah, well its nice you're here, how about we go to a place which isn't a basic room, do things besides speak, do long, time consuming, action packed stuff?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh God you're just doing a cameo aren't you?"

"Yeah, and I've already made plans for tonight so you may want to make this conversation quick."

Pepper wandered off to film something else slightly more time consuming and slightly better paying while Coulson entered, content with the pay he was earning (for now).

"Couslon lets get this over with, the sooner we save the day the sooner I can save the day my own way." Stark muttered.

_**Meanwhile, in India...**_

Bruce Banner remembered a story his Dad told him, of the tortoise and the hare, where in the right conditions, the right circumstances and the right amount of arrogance from the hare, the tortoise was able to win. He than remembered the next part his Dad told him where in the next 99 races the hare won hands down until the tortoise eventually killed himself out of shame. In retrospect, his Dad was a jerk. It was that jerkiness that taught him the real lesson: People are jerks and don't trust them. He was therefore handling the women dressed in black spandex who little problems employing child spies, offering him a mission of global importance, with a sense of suspicion.

"So you want me to help save the day, what's in it for me?" Banner asked.

"Hmm, well, you could carry on randomly flicking through faces, getting beaten down at the box office and showed up by The Dark Knight, or..." Black Widow began.

"Or what?" Banner asked, starting to get used to his physical appearance changing every now and than, it was like Hulking out only not fun.

"We throw all our chips together, give everything we have, and win." Widow spoke, quite but a confidence within her.

Banner was somewhat skeptical.

"I'm somewhat skeptical. They have an army of respectable actors and dark gritty characters." Banner remarked.

"We have a Hulk."

"I'm in."

_**Meanwhile at X-****Mansion**_

"Damn it Bub we need to get in their! The world is at risk!" Wolverine yelled.

"I'm sorry Logan, the world might die, but when it does it will die with the correct copyrights laws in regards to which characters movie rights belong to which movie company intact!" Professor X announced.

_**Captain America**_

The Captain pummeled into yet another punching bag, the rage and anger of his scenario being forced into the punching bag like a fat man forcing down what might count towards his 5 a day cause it sounds fancy. All the years, all the waste. Free-love, sexual revolution, the Beetles, a time when it was acceptable to visit Starbucks, passed before his eyes. At least he missed the 90s.

Once again the men of the audience were reminded of that problem we are all innevitably faced, destroying yet another punching bag due to our own massive strengths. Fury decided now to enter.

"So, you used to do that to Nazi's. They were pretty faceless and generic. I have something even better. Robotic aliens. We're trying to save the world, want in."

"Sure, not like I have anything better to do with my time." Captain American replied.

_**Meanwhile with Spiderman...**_

"So copyright issues." Fury inquired.

"Please, I'm not doing this cause of copyright, I'm not doing this cause we can't win. The Rise of the Dark Knight will be too much. You can't fight the darkness. I've embraced it." Spiderman declared

"What?" Fury exclaimed.

"Yeah, I'm wearing hoodies, skating and my Mum and Dad are gone thanks to some evil scheme. I'm totally hard-core now, maaan!."

"You go your way than, I'll go mine." said Fury, thinking of the time he lost his eye than, instead of angsting over it, remebering how cool he looked with a scar and eye patch and how it made him 12% more popular.

"Yeah, good luck with the whole happy and fun approach! Lets see how happy you are after all that smiling and joking and friendship!" Spiderman said, thinking about the time he developed super powers, and instead of remembering how awesome they are, remembering that time he beat up criminals so hard his fists were saw. The hurtfulness ruined everything forever and ruined his horrible life of pain!

_**Asguard...**_

"I'm afraid the energy of the All Father is only enough to transport you Thor, good luck with the whole, saving the Earth thing." Heimdall explained to Thor.

"Fine, but when they revere me as a God for saving them, you don't get to join in on he action." Thor replied before being transported in a puff of plot convenience.

_**Finally...**_

"Well, we've assembled them. Were we able to get Daredevil on side?" Agent Hill explained.

"I'm afraid Hawk-eye found him and took him out, he hasn't been treating the news that he was the second choice well." Fury replied.

"Technically we was the seventh pick, Punisher was busy with Yoga classes."

"All I know is that we have to turn them lose on Germany, may Hercules have mercy on our souls."

And so he did. May Thanos watch over them.

**To Be Continued...**


End file.
